I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
