I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
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