When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I just forgot I was standing up.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
