You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
