the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
