Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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