we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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