I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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