please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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