Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
