I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Your penis caused this!
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
