I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
