i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
