I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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