i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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