I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
