You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
