your parents love me but you hate me
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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