these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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