I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
