Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
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