Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
