I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Someone shit on the floor
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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