It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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