Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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