And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
