Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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