Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
