: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
