i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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