I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
