i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Randomize
