a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
