She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
where are you?
Hypothermia
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
