I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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