I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
