i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
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