yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
