Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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