I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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