yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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