The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
