Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
