I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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