i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
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