I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
