Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
