WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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