I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
