I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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