I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
