Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
