Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
