dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
