There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
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